no sex

I hate Sex!

“I hate sex,” Lola bursted out. “I don’t enjoy it one bit and I’ve been married for 10 years. Frankly, I do it as a wifely duty, nothing else!”

Shocking! (but not so shocking)

Lola is not alone!

There are so many women like Lola. They feel violated, exploited, guilty and almost cheated anytime they need to have sex.

They resent the fact that their husband’s pleasure has to come at the expense of their own discomfort and sometimes, pain.

Instead of enjoying sex as God intended it, they view sex as a duty they must continually, and grudgingly, perform for their husbands.

To some degree, for many years in my own marriage, I felt almost the same way.

I didn’t hate sex, but I certainly dreaded it. It’s like I always had to actually prepare for it rather than relax and allow it to just happen.

Sadly, some statistics even indicate that about 85% of women never have an orgasm during sex.

Now, there must be something wrong somewhere. And I say this because God intended for all of us (men and women alike) to enjoy sex!

So what is the problem with most women who don’t enjoy sex?

I have done a bit of research on this subject. Added to my own experience and that of other women I know, these are my thoughts on this issue:

A woman’s sexuality is very complicated. Unlike men who can drop everything and have sex (whether there was an argument 5 minutes ago or not), a woman’s sexual pleasure is affected by almost everything around her – her emotions, feelings, experience and even the weather.

If you are a woman and find it difficult to enjoy sex, please note the following:

You are not weird and there is nothing wrong with you!

You just need to find out what is causing you not to enjoy sex and then deal with it. Period.

You could have an imbalance of hormones. It’s true; some medications like antidepressants and even decongestants can impact sexual function by causing a certain hormone imbalance that affects sexual enjoyment.

Simply check the instruction pack of any ‘out of the ordinary’ medications you might be taking

It could be psychological. A lot of women find sexual intercourse very painful, almost excruciating. This sort of pain can have a psychological root that most women are completely unaware of.

Women who experience vaginismus (pain during intercourse) usually tense up during sex because of fear of the pain. This leads to even more pain

I understand that the cervix of some women are very short, causing the penis to hit on the wall of the lining hence causing pain. For others, they may be too dry and the friction causes pain

If this is the case with you, a gynecologist may be able to help you

Simple things trigger a woman’s emotions and can make her turn off sex completely. Women understand this too well. Ask yourself a few important questions to determine the current state of your marriage: Do you trust your husband completely? Is he sensitive to your needs? Do you communicate with each other about sex? Are there secrets, bitterness, or unresolved tensions between you?
If there are underlying issues that have been swept under the rug, then they need to be brought to the fore and dealt with. Only then can sexual pleasure become a reality
Emotional barriers. Some women have emotional connotations about sex that affect the way they see sex and determine whether they enjoy it or not. For example, some women equate sex with a shameful act. They actually feel guilty about having sex, almost as if they are committing a sin.

Some women may even have been abused sexually in childhood and carry the feeling “something isn’t right with this act” anytime they are involved in sex

These kinds of emotions may be so hidden that many women don’t even realise it.

So, how do women break free and start enjoying sex?

Make the Effort to Change

Breaking free from these shackles so you can start enjoying sex will not be easy.

It will take effort, it will take complete honesty with yourself and it may take time. But you as a woman needs to make a commitment to identify and address whatever barriers you find out.

Go through each of the points listed above. Can you identify any of those traits in you? Were you abused as a child? Do you find sex painful? Does your husband not care about your needs? Do you resent him for something he did but swept under the carpet and is still unresolved in your mind?

Because sex is such a private area of struggle, many women don’t know where to go for help. Many women don’t even talk about their struggles with sex. They simply grit their teeth and endure it (and breathe a sigh of relief when it’s over!)

But there is help.

Start with a prayer. Do a self-check and tell yourself some truths.
Then look for a good professional Christian counsellor to help you through your struggles.

No one can promise you that your sex drive will go from zero to 100 in 90 days, but nothing in your sex life will change if you change nothing in your sex life.

If you have somehow broken free and are now enjoying sex, please share with the rest of us how you were able to break free. Someone could learn something from it

Cheers

Read more interesting relationship articles by Seyi Obasi on her column on Woman.NG – Before & After