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Dear Nigerian wife, heartfelt congratulations to you on your recent nuptials. Love is indeed a beautiful thing and I am so pleased that you have met and married the man of your dreams. Surely after all the celebration, you just want to go home and live happily ever after with your other half. To help you navigate towards your future happiness, here are a few words of wisdom from me to you completely free of charge:

The first thing you must know about being a good wife is that your in-laws have all the power in your marriage. Regardless of all you thought or imagined in the past, you start to live by their grace as soon as you say “I do”. Yes. They can visit your home anytime they like with suitcases in tow and stay for as long as they like too. Simply delete any idea you have to complain – after all, you should be grateful they let their son or brother marry you. Instead, as a good wife, you should concern yourself with more important things like getting pregnant immediately. Do not get it twisted. These people are not interested in your ‘good’ girl reputation. All they really want are grand-children.  How you even managed to marry their son without a bun in the oven is beyond them. Didn’t Mary mother of Jesus experience Immaculate Conception? So why didn’t you?

Secondly- for as long as you intend to stay married to Mr wonderful, your cooking has to be on point. In this case, variety is your friend. You have to be able to impress him with your cooking if you want him to keep growing in love with you. Under no condition should you consider ordering food from outside your home; only lazy women get take-out for their families to eat. So please even if hubby requests for Banga soup and starch at midnight, you have to be willing to make it for him. Failure to deliver will push hubby into the hands of those girls out there.

Ha those girls out there! Haven’t you noticed them hanging around before? They are the hot, single ladies who go everywhere in Brazilian hair, short dresses and enough makeup to kill the fishes in the Atlantic Ocean. They are hard-core believers in the merits of married men and their main aim of living is your husband. They go everywhere hoping to bump into him so they can snatch him. But don’t be deceived oh. Even though they look like they live in the salon, these babes can cook! Think about any dish – pepper soup, banga soup, Ayematse, even Bolognese. It does not matter what country or continent the dish is from, they will deliver.

If the girls outside do not catch your husband first, trust the witches and wizards in both your villages to do it. Imagine both Yokozuna and the Undertaker catching your man in a tight corner, and then you know that he is finished. It does not matter that he has never been to his village before. All these forces need to know is that he got married and has to provide for his family to come after him with the vengeance of Amadioha (Igbo deity). To safe guard him and your happiness, you have to join the nearest praying church in your area preferably the ones that chase their enemies with fire. Thereafter, you have to pray every day and night or the witches will think that you are only joking. Ignore the fact that your husband sleeps through your night vigils. It is not him you are after. It is the witches and you don’t want them to intensify their mission. Or do you?

Before long, things should start to quiet down on the spiritual front since more people from your village will have gotten hitched. The shift will leave enough time for you to diligently do your husband’s laundry. Note -Dirty shirts and boxers are your new best friends. They allow you to prove your undying love for your husband. Luckily many people have washing machines nowadays so they rarely have to deal with the skid marks left on oga’s underwear. If for any reason you do not have one of those machines in your house Ariel detergent and a few scrubs works wonders. The magic is complete when everything is dry, neatly ironed and arranged in the drawers for the next wear. His colleagues, friends and family will see how impeccably dressed he is and praise you to high heavens.

Now, while you are pleasing the in-laws, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, working (because modern men detest idle women) you have to make it your objective to remain sexy. So that when the time for adult games come (the one that usually involves a bed) he has absolutely nothing to complain about. You must never plead tiredness, headaches or you will have to explain what you have been doing all day? Also, it is highly beneficial if you endeavour to stay fit because he may ask you to get into all sorts of kinky positions perhaps involving a pole. Whatever you do, do not give him a reason to return you to your father’s house like a broken Barbie. We all know that it does not end well for wives who are returned. Keep him happy.

Dear wife, you do not need to be Nigerian to benefit from the advice here. These words will help you even if you or your husband is from another part of Africa where a happy husband means a happy wife and home.

Finally, thank you, dear reader for reading this far. Allow me to point out that the words above do not reflect my opinion of marriage or how to be a good wife in any way. They are simply, extreme, stereotypical opinions (compiled with fun in mind) of marriage that have been passed on to many young ladies, including me as advise by well-meaning friends and family. To me, a good marriage is not at all about servitude, subjugation or any of their cousins.

I hope you enjoyed my compilation and look forward to any additional stereotypical ideas that you can add in the comment area.

Live, Love, Laugh.