Whether you like it or not or whether you choose to admit it or not, Nollywood has become a major part of the life of most Nigerians. Everywhere you enter, be it in people’s homes, offices, hospitals, hotel receptions, bars or even on a road trip, whether you want to watch it or not, Nigerian movies are the CDs, DVDs or Channels of choice.
That one is forced to pretend to like it is not the problem but that the movies have over the years portrayed mediocrity, stagnancy and a patent lack of ideas. One sometimes wonder what the hype about the movie industry, whether the mainstream Nollywood, the Yoruba or Hausa version is all about.
In my disdain for its lack of creativity and penchant for taking people for granted, I have come up with ten things about Nollywood movies.
$11. Anyone Can Direct A Movie In Nollywood: In the few movies I have managed to watch, I have been left traumatized by how the movies have been directed. Everyone is now a ‘Director’. Scenes do not match; emotions are betrayed in cut-scenes etc. Ladies just waking up and obviously getting up from the bed are with full make-up. I may not be a movie director but it doesn’t take rocket science to know that what we have in Nollywood is pure sham and a knack for quantity and not quality.
$12. Theme Songs Are Next To Horrible: Okay, this is another part that gets on my nerves. Why must theme songs be same as title of the movies? Not just that but why must it be played like a broken record? For example, if title of movie is ‘The typewriter’, theme song has to be ‘typewriter’ and must be played at least every 5 minutes.
$13. Professional Scenes Make A Mess Of The Professions: This is the part I hate the most because I am a professional. If there must be a part of the movie for a Doctor, Nurse, Lawyer, Engineer, Artist etc and you cannot pay for such services, the best you can do if to get the professional to advice on such a script. While the Medical scenes are abysmal, the Police scenes just make a pure mess of the Nigerian Police Force. You see a Police Officer with some funny, either ill-sewn or over-sized uniforms. LOL. I remember seeing Pete Edochie in a Police uniform. Believe me, it wasn’t a good sight, not with his overgrown hair and beards in a tight beret. Hahahahahaha.
$14. Poisons In Nollywood Work Within 5 Seconds: Now this is a funny one. When poisons are taken in Nigerian movies, they must work within 5 seconds. Maka why? I know only intravenously taken drugs can work as such but Nollywood doesn’t think science has anything to do with its plots. As a matter of fact, when ordinary food is taken even without the premonition of it being drugged, the victim anticipates death within seconds. This makes the movies shallow and without reasoning. I have a lot of respect for some stars but I dare say the love of money has taken over professionalism.
$15. Any Movie Without A Herbalist Isn’t Nollywood’s: Its been a very long time I stumbled into any Nigerian movie without a scene of a Herbalist either ready to make you rich or kill a member of you family. While this may or may not be a true reflection of the Nigerian society, one wonders why ALL movies must have the part. Is it as a result of ‘plenty space’ to fill or just lack of ideas? The Yoruba movies are now replete with Herbalists whose Make-ups look like were done by other Herbalists. To be continued………..